Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Valentine's Day Column - a few days late

Today is Valentine’s Day and guys if you haven’t already gotten your honey something sweet, you still have some time. One word of advice – be mindful of what you get!
As I’ve written before, I’ve bought some unfortunate gifts for my spouse on Valentine’s Day so I feel qualified to speak on the topic, and indeed obligated to my peeps to share what I’ve learned through the years. There’s commercials, o-plenty to tell you what to buy. My mission today is to tell you what NOT to buy.
An umbrella is one of handiest tools ever invented. It’s the first thing I reach for on rainy days, but I’m here to tell you that they are unsuitable as Valentine’s gifts. I don’t care if it’s red and smells like roses, STEP AWAY FROM THE UMBRELLA!
I had a friend who got this wacky idea to give his wife some bricks as a gift. It was his way of telling his lovely bride that he was building a new house for her. After years of living in a rental that was a dump, he thought the bricks on Valentine’s Day, were symbolic. He believed in his heart that this gesture was perfect and that she’d be moved to tears.
But she didn’t get it. In fact she came up with some new creative uses of bricks that had never occurred to me. Had he followed through with her instructions of where he could put the bricks, it would have made sitting very uncomfortable for him. He stayed in the doghouse so long he started to enjoy the taste of Milk Bones.
I’ve also learned in my 35 years of marriage that kitchen utensils can be problematic gifts on anniversaries or Valentine’s Day, so don’t fall into THAT trap!
Other gifts you may also want to steer clear of are exercise DVD’s, gym memberships, or workout clothes. You may think it’s a practical gift but to a woman it screams YOUR FAT!!! This can send you down a slippery path my friend and you could wind up so bruised that your mama won’t recognize you. Years of valuable experience at work here. Listen to what I say. STEP AWAY FROM THE WEIGH LOSS SECTION OF THE STORE!!!
Here’s another shocker for men. Most women don’t want lingerie for Valentine’s Day. I know that some of you guys out there think I’m out of my mind, but it’s true - not that I’m out of my mind, but most women don’t want underwear for V-Day. You may think the gift is for her, but women understand the gift is REALLY for you. It took me years and truck loads of frozen TV dinners to figure this out. You get this info free just by being a subscriber to The Daily Mountain Eagle.
A good Valentine’s Day gift doesn’t have to cost a lot of money. I made a gift for Jilda one year when we were strapped for cash. It was a coupon book and the coupons were good for a free car wash, a free meal at Rick’s Diner (she never actually cashed this one in, possibly because I can’t cook), a back massage, and other favors that would be imprudent to discuss in a family paper. The point is, it didn’t cost anything except a little thought, and some creativity.
Of course, you could always spring for the ultimate Valentine’s Day gift which is a copy of my book “Remembering Big” available at fine gift shops, restaurants, and other establishments around the area. I know, I know, it’s shameless self promotion, but the cover is red and if I can sell a few copies, maybe I can take Jilda out for dinner tonight. Happy Valentine’s Day.

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