Thursday, October 07, 2010

Election Season

I don't know about you, but I'm getting daily election survey's calls. Some are valid polling research, but many are thinly disguised efforts by one camp or the other, trying to sway my vote. 
I'm not sure if they think I can't read, or don't read,  but must believe they can use a  survey that's really propaganda to convince me to pull the lever for their candidate. 
As the old saying goes, I was born at night, but not last night. 
So as a public service, I'm offering these helpful suggestions on how to respond to these lame efforts persuade you to vote stupid.

When asked about your opinion of Joe Blow, a good response might be
"I would never vote for him, I read on Facebook that he was an alien from Uranus.” 
Another good response here might be:
 He’s bi-sack-sual. When the caller says Excuse me! You say Yes, bi-sack-sual, I have it on good authority that whenever he buys groceries at the A&P, and they ask him whether he wants paper or plastic, he says EITHER! I rest my case! 

When asked about race: 
I'm half Jewish, half Native American, and half EurAsian.

When they ask about religion:
I'm Lesbaterian. If they try to clarify - did you mean Presbyterian or did you mean to say your political leanings are Libertarian. You should say, I caught a trout on a crawdad once. That should clear it up for them.

When asked about your sex: Yes on Tuesdays and Saturdays if I'm lucky.

When asked - What do you feel are the most important issues facing America today?
I suggest you say Pork rinds.  When they try to clarify and say -  Do you mean pork barrel politics?
No pork rinds, have you ever read the list of ingredients in pork rinds? You would not believe...... chances are, they will have hung up by now.

Here is my wish for America. I wish we would drag our butts back toward the middle of the spectrum, learn to compromise, go back to living within our means, and stop letting big business  set the agenda.

I hope you find value in my survey suggestions.



  1. You have much more patience with them than I have.

    I was called a couple of weeks ago from an unrevealed phone number. The woman asked if I was Charlene and I confirmed I was and then she said: I'm calling from Newt Geinrich's office to ask your opinion about some issues. I said, "My opinion is I don't want to hear anything that man has to say and you're wasting my time calling from your secret number."

    She hung up.

  2. Love your answers.

    The thing is, like Charlene I don't have much patience with those folks. When they identify themselves and ask their first question, I ask my own question which is "Exactly what part of 'do not call' do you not understand?" and they hang up.

    Although one time years ago my ex answered one and I could tell what it was by the conversation. I yelled from across the room "You tell them I'm gonna vote for the first MF'r that admits he inhales!"

    What's really infuriating is when the machines call, that just makes steam come out my ears.

  3. I had a surveyor call and ask which candidate I was planning to vote for. I said that it was a secret ballot and if I told her it wouldn't be a secret anymore. There was a long silence and she finally said thank you and hung up.

  4. I certainly share your wish. Sigh.

  5. Ken Owens1:32 PM

    Ranger Rick,
    I love it! That's even better than the guy who used to answer your phone when you and Jilda were outside feeding the chickens.

  6. I found myself smiling as I read the comments.
    You guys are the best!


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