Tuesday, November 27, 2012

My Wife the Deer Slayer ~ My Column from Sunday's Paper

I’ve decided on at least one Christmas gift for Jilda this year. I’m looking for a car tag that says “DEER SLAYER.”

She’s worked at Bradford Health Services in Warrior for seven years, and during her tenure there, she’s hit six deer.

After the first deer, her friend and co-worker Fred gave her two deer whistles that mount below the bumper.

The idea is that as the Volvo is whizzing along on backroads, the deer whistles warn deer of impending calamity.

I’m convinced that the whistle resemble some type of Odocoileus virginianus mating call because she’s hit more and more deer.

I told her last spring when she bagged a young buck not far from our house that the game warden would issue her a citation for taking a deer out of season. 

She always gets really upset and she said some unkind things about me between the snubs and sniffles.

Our nephew Haven is a deer hunter who spends a fortune on equipment like tree stands, camouflage and ammunition, and I think Jilda’s bagged more deer than he has, and she’s never looked down the shiny blue-gray barrel of a gun.

I suggested to him that he should get a deer whistle and buy clothes the color of Ingrid, Jilda’s Volvo. I think he’s a little touchy about the situation and takes a dim view of my suggestion because he quickly changes the subject each time I bring it up.

Fast forward to about three weeks ago. I went to Warrior with my niece Samantha because she was having issues with her new car and wanted me to go along for moral support. I thought she’d be able to take me back home, but as it turns out, I had to call Jilda and ask her to come fetch me.

Normally, it takes about 20 minutes to get from our house in Empire to Warrior, but after about 30 minutes, still no Jilda.

I was about to call her on her cell when my phone rang. She was almost hysterical.

As she was heading down the hill before you get to the Warrior Jasper road, a buck running at full speed broadsided her in the passenger door.

She said the impact was so violent that it threw her into the oncoming lane. Fortunately there was no traffic coming. When she arrived to pick me up, the passenger side of the car looked as if it had been hit by a bus. 

The impact had caved the door in and ripped the chrome off the side. The door wouldn’t open and the window wouldn’t roll down.

She said the deer rolled over the trunk of her car and scurried off into the woods as if it had stumped his toe on a stone.

We took the car to Ellis Automotive and our buddies down there had a good-natured laugh at Jilda’s expense.

I’m not sure what the tab was for repairs, but it involved ordering parts for a Volvo that was manufactured when Clinton was in the White House.

I’m guessing the insurance company would love to slip some kind of deer-clause in our insurance policy but so far so good.

I decided to remove the deer whistles, just in case.


  1. Now, look here, Buster. Read your own words. The most recent deer "broadsided" poor Jilda. Jilda does not hit deer; the deer hit Jilda. My car was attacked by a deer in Maryland. Weeks of repairs were required. And the darn deer scared me half to death. Sweet Jilda is not a deerslayer.


  2. That is some funny stuff!
    My husband's dad got deer whistles years ago and hit more deer as a result. I think it stirs them up and confuses them causing them to run in front of the cars!

  3. Rick! hello! I read the first encountered deer story weeks ago and this time I hear about those deer whistles. Oddly we had those on a previous vehicle and we swore they worked. Traveling to my daughters about a hour and 15 minutes away, there is a section of the state road that is prone for deer. We would see them literally turn and run away. They worked for us many times while in the mountains, late at night, too. When I began reading this post, I thought, "They need deer whistles." WOW! So sorry they haven't worked. The irony of it all is so sad. I loved the irony in your tale, though.

  4. What the heck?!? What are the odds of that? That car must exude some serious pheromones or something...

  5. Many times those whistles don't work
    There seem to be an awful lot of deer in your area.
    I don't understand the citation writing though when deer attack cars. I'd rebut it.We see so many big daddies hitand leave them on the side of the road, some without half of their ribs. That's some hit.
    I almost hit a moose once. He just took off right in front of the truck and hitting that moose could have killed all of us inside. It was HUGE!

  6. I have hit one deer and had another run full bore into the side of the van. The incidents took place 22 years apart but I was ready to quit driving forever after the second one.

    But SIX? SIX? I don't know whether poor Jilda deserves an award for surviving six hits, a new car [tank?] to deter the deer or simply to retire. Wow.

    I am glad she is okay tho'. Poor Ingrid.


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