Thursday, November 27, 2014

I love shopping on Thanksgiving

I think, as a nation, we've grown soft. The pansies are whining about all the violence surrounding Pre-Black Friday sales that start just after Thanksgiving supper. 


I for one, consider it a sport. I survived a few hours of shopping with only a dislocated shoulder, a puncture wound just above my navel, three cracked teeth, and a stone bruise.

The closest call was from a woman who wanted the last remaining 32 foot big screen TV. She almost had it on her basket when I arrived and intervened, taking the device for my workshop. 

She would have been a little more of a challenge had she not been holding 18 month old twins and pushing her paraplegic husband in a wheelchair. 

She had a wicked back-stroke elbow slam which gained momentum with the weight of the twins. The force of the elbow caught me off guard and sent me sprawling blood dripping from the corner of my mouth. 

I'd thought her husband was a quadriplegic but he had full use of his arms and drained a high-output taser he'd been concealing the diaper bag. It had grounding probe which hit me in the lower stomach. (Puncture wound I mentioned). 

While I was twitching on the floor, the woman did a Victory Star Drop move banned by World Wrestling Entertainment as being too violent. 

Breathless, I rolled out of her reach when one of the nursing twins bit her distracting her momentarily. 

Unfortunately I came too close to  her five-year-old who pulled a quart can of mace from her backpack and blistered both my eyes. She also kicked me in the teeth with her steel-toed Uggs. I didn't see that coming.

I gained my footing, drop-kicked the kid into the toy aisle where she immediately tied up with another kid over a Disney Princess  doll, which was a stroke of luck for me,  It leveled the playing field significantly.

When the woman leaned over to put the twins in her husband's lap, I did a spin kick with lead-toed work boots and she was down for the count.

I strolled up to the checkout with my booty and reached for my wallet and realized I'd lost it in the melee. 

A few counters over the woman pushing the wheelchair was ringing up $3000 worth of pampers, popcorn, Marlboro Lights, and Diet Mountain Dews  purchased with my credit card.

I saluted her as she shuffled out. She shot me a bird.

I LOVE BLACK FRIDAY. 
 .


11 comments:

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

    Thanks for the laughs...I liked the spinkick, nice touch! "U done good!"

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  2. That is hilarious! Thanks for the morning giggle. =o)

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  3. I didn't know you could do funny, too--& do it SO well!!

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  4. Now this is a great Sunday column! You made my day!

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  5. Very funny, boyfren.

    Love,
    Janie

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  6. Uncanny! That's almost exactly how I imagine it. ;) Too funny.

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  7. Great piece...so funny! And this is why I avoid stores on Thanksgiving and Black Friday...I enjoy breathing and maintaining a certain level of self-respect.

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  8. A fun story. I live in such a small town you would know beforehand who not to wrestle with. Guess I should have gone out and given it a try. We could call it Black and Blue Friday.

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  9. More truth than fiction, unfortunately. Funny stuff!

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  10. Hahaha this was good! This is exactly how imagine Black Friday shoppers.
    Lisa

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